No. No. No. There is absolutely nothing about this story that makes sense to me. A 51-year-old actor marries a 16-year-old model wannabe. They claim to be in love.
This sounds to me like a story written by David Koresh or Warren Jeffs. And it is totally legal because her parents signed their permission to marry.
The husband is actor Doug Hutchison, known for his roles in Lost and Green Mile. The wife, Courtney Stodden, is a self-proclaimed Christian virgin who is working on a modeling career.
After watching some TV interviews and Googling photos, she has the long, frosted blonde hair, arched back, double D’s and pouty lips pretty much down pat.
Tell me, Moms, am I wrong here? At 16 were you able to know to know if you were making the right choice for a life partner? Personally, I was more worried about doing my trig homework.
So why did Miss Stodden’s parents think that she was?
I’ll admit that during her interviews she comes across much more mature than her age. Her body certainly looks it too. I don’t know a teenage girl who doesn’t want to be older than she is.
Till death do us part means that she gets to wipe his butt when he’s old. That’s part of the deal. Unless, of course, they are rich enough to hire a 24-hour butt-wiper.
Even still, true love and commitment means that we want to be there to take care of our spouses — even if that means all the yucky stuff too. How can a 16-year-old girl understand that?
My problem isn’t so much with the girl as it is with her parents.
And the husband.
He’s 51. I mean come the truck on. There is absolutely no way that a 51-year-old man can have enough in common with a teenager. Or a 41-year-old man. Or a 31-year-old man. Or a 21-year-old man!
I subscribe to the theory that dads should be quietly cleaning their gun collections when older boys come to date their daughters. It may be archaic but it’s effective.
In this case, the parents approved of the old dude with their little girl. They signed her away to him like property or cattle.
If I am wrong, then let’s capitalize on this. I mean, this is the United States of America, the land of opportunity. Let’s make some cash off this deal. In true American spirit, how about some 2-for-1 specials?
Let’s have a special window at the DMV. Teens could get their drivers’ license on the same day as their marriage license. Or, better yet, girls could get a bride-and-groom topper on their sweet 16 cakes.
Or how about this: let’s petition Congress to offer reduced insurance rates for men whose brides qualify as both a spouse and a dependent.
Here’s an idea: let’s create themed strip malls. All the shops could offer specialized services for teen brides who marry old men.
For example, they could get their braces tightened in shop A, then walk next door to get their bridal updo in shop B. Then, while their hairspray is still sticky, they could get his Viagra filled in the pharmacy on the end.
But I don’t think I’m wrong. I don’t ban all May-December romances. But come on, let the girl vote first.
Marrying someone who is much younger than yourself brings with it so many practical problems. Marriage is tough enough when two people have a lot in common.
Maybe this girl is genuinely more mature than her age. Maybe she is an old soul, as she claims. The photos of her naked, draped in nothing but an American flag certainly suggest so.
But as any married couple will say, the day–to-day practicalities are considerable. How can a wife be on equal footing with her husband if she doesn’t have the basic legal rights as an adult?
That’s just confusing. No, 16-year-old girls should not marry 51-year-old men. If for no other reason than to solve the problem of whom she goes to when she’s doing a nude photo shoot and needs her permission slip signed.