This week’s Question comes from Erin Spinola, a Channahon mom who asks:
“How do you get a teenager to stop talking back”?
If you are a parent or a teacher, you are probably giggling to yourself right now.
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For if the answer to that question were a simple one, we would be leaps and bounds closer to peace on earth – or at least a little more harmony within the familial unit.
“Teenagers are stuck in the battle between wanting to be a child and wanting to be an adult," Kim Snow, a counselor and family therapist at Beyond Healing Counseling, Wellness, and Personal Growth Center said. "In addition, hormones have arrived and developmentally they are at the stage where they are figuring out their identity both within their family and outside of it."
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During the teen years, children are discovering who they are. There are a lot of changes in play. Unruly behavior, mouthiness and mood swings are often a part of everyday life when raising teenagers. I know many parents who are/have been at their wits end over their teen’s behavior. So I contacted Ms. Snow to see if she could help shed some light onto some of the key concerns.
Q: Why are children predisposed to being unruly during the teen years?
A: At this time they are in the process finding their place in the world, “trying on” different roles to figure out who they are; pulling away from mom and dad, but at the same time needing the family support and guidance more than ever.
Q: What methods do you suggest for dealing with a mouthy teen who talks back?
Start with a foundation of mutual respect. When children are disrespectful one of the main reasons is that they don’t feel respected.
When a conversation has escalated to the point of a power struggle that is leading to both sides feeling aggravated, take a break and come back to the situation when everyone’s a bit calmer. You will have more clarity, get more resolution and both sides will feel that they have been heard.
Also, saying less is more.
Simple statements are best. If you are finding yourself explaining it more than three times, you need to stop and find a different way to get your message across.
The other thing I have found helpful with all people, not just children, is to try and make it a win win situation, give them a choice… For example when my kids are fighting over something like the TV channel – they are given the option to “work it out or turn it off”.
Q: Does gender make a difference in teen behavioral issues?
A: This speaks to the way we are socialized; girls are much more emotional and tend to internalize their anger which can lead to depression, whereas for boys often the only acceptable emotion to show is anger, which can lead to acting out. Socially and culturally, this is like a self-fulfilling prophecy of what we expect them to do.
Q: What, in your opinion, is the biggest problem facing teens today?
A: There are many: cyber bullying and social networking are big concerns. Parents have no idea what their kids are into or involved with on the Internet. Parents need to stay informed and educate their kids about that. This education needs to be a collaborative effort between parents and schools.
Q: What is your patient-care philosophy?
A: To honor and value each patient for the unique individual that they are and to treat each patient with the integrity and respect they deserve.
It is an honor and privilege to have people share with you the most sacred parts of their soul - I feel Awe and gratitude to be able to do the work that I do.
Kim Snow is the mother of 7 children, ages 14-26, a licensed clinical professional counselor and a certified family therapist. She sees patients at her practice in Palos Heights and, by appointment, in Homer Glen.
